Online Hookup Do's and Don'ts

  • About

    I’ve been a player now for some time. The internet and hookup apps make it easy to find a playmate, but many the guys on these sites and apps take the fun and ease out of hooking-up. Here’s my list of irritants, do’s and don’ts. What are yours? TWINKS TAKE NOTICE!

    Do’s

    Do read his fucking profile before you instant message (IM) him—no point in hitting him up if you’re terrified of HIV and he just happens to be HIV+ (get over it if you are, really)

    Do be on Time—it really is rude to be late despite anything you hear about “Gay time.” Gay time is bullshit.

    Do create a full and complete profile—the more you put out there, the more people will know if they’re interested in you. 

    Do be honest—especially about your HIV status, your dick size, weight, age, etc. No one likes a liar and they’ll “remember” you to everyone.

    Do send him home—if he doesn’t look like his profile picture, tell him so and send him packing. These assholes plan on you being so worked up that you’ll just give in to get your rocks off. Do all of us a favor and tell them to fuck off and send them home limp. They’ll be humiliated and think twice before doing it again to someone else.

    Do exchange cell phone/text numbers—shit happens and it’s polite to let him know if something comes up. If he’s concerned about privacy, see if there’s another way to communicate. If he’s totally resistant about this, it’s a warning sign that something’s not right. 

    Do keep your word—if you say you’re going to call, CALL. If you say you’re going to show up, SHOW UP. Having found a better trick is not a good reason to no-show or cancel at the last minute. If you find a better trick, schedule him for later. Or, simply let him know you’ve got one or are working on a hookup already. Ask him if you should hit him up should your hookup flake on you. What are the possibilities of that happening?

    Do bring your own stuff—unless he’s offered, bring your own supplies like lube, condoms, poppers, 420, gloves (for fisting). If he’s generous enough to host, you can be polite enough to bring your own shit.

    Do let your needs and desires be known—he can’t read your mind and you won’t have a good time if he doesn’t know what turns you on and gets you off. Conversely, if he’s not telling you what he wants, ask him.

    Do some reconnaissance—if traveling out, Google Map his address and get a street view if you can. If the address is anything but residential housing, be suspicious. While you’re on Google maps, get directions to his place from yours so you can see how long it will take to get to his house.


    Google Street View

    Assess the situation when you arrive—is it a good neighborhood? Is he dressed like he’s ready for sex? Does he have appropriate lighting? Is there lube, condom or sex toys present? You want to get a sense that this is a real hookup and not a setup.

    Plan for the psycho—create insurance for yourself by sending someone the details of your hookup and ask them to check up on you 5-10 minutes after you arrive. Make sure your friend knows what app or website you met the guy on; what the guy’s profile name is, what his real name is, what his address is; his phone number, picture, etc. Do this if you’re hosting too. Casually mention that you’ve done this to your trick if it gets weird. Seriously consider taking pepper spray or other personal defense items with you and keep them close at hand until you’re comfortable with the situation.

    Don’ts 

    Don’t ask him what he’s into—it’s in his profile. Even if it isn’t, you’re going to negotiate what you’re going to do when you get there. Besides, what he’s into with one person may not be what he’s into with you. If he has a menu list of, “I don’t do this” and “I don’t do that,” then he’s probably going to be a bore. Besides, what I’m into with one person may not be what I’m into with you. And, many people find this question annoying.

    Don’t list a bunch of negatives in your profile—No one is interested in your rant, what pisses you off, what you won’t do, etc. Tell people about what you’re attracted to and what you like to do.

    Don’t Use Offensive Comments—"No Femes, No Fats” is bullshit. So is “Drug and Disease Free—U B 2.” Looking for someone that’s “clean” is asinine. An HIV+ person is not dirty. And, if a guy has an STI, he probably doesn’t even know it.

    Don’t ask him if he has a friend to invite—unless you guys have been talking about three-ways or group play, don’t ask this. It merely says you’re not that into him.

    Don’t play with HIV negative guys—Unless you plan to play 110% safe; all wrapped up and on PrEP! I know many guys who lie on their profiles. And besides, many men don’t even know they’ve been infected for weeks or months. The statistics show you’re at greater risk of catching HIV from someone that says they are negative than someone that knows they are positive and on treatment.

    Don’t cancel without setting a new playdate or asking for one—sometimes shit happens and you can’t make your date. If you must cancel be sure to call and ask for a new date. This lets him know you’re serious and not simply flaking on him. It also sets and example, shows you have character and confidence; all of which are sexy.

    Don’t show up a dirty ass…even if you’re a top—why is it that Twinks don’t get this? A dirty ass totally ruins the mood unless you’re both into scat. Get a bottle of Fleet and rinse your butt out. Tops should clean their butts out too else forget that rim job you like so much.

    Video: Cleaning Out for Anal Sex


    Fleet Enema kit

    Don’t play more than one guy at a time—if you have two or more guys interested in you and they’re guys you’d play with, pick your favorite and go for it. In the meantime, let the other(s) know you’ve already got a live one on the line and you think you’ll score. Ask them if they’d like to be contacted if it doesn’t work out. They’ll understand and almost always say yes. This will serve you well and earn you some respect

    Don’t stick around if you’re not having fun—if the chemistry isn’t right and you’re grossed out, bored to death or what have you, politely end the play and go home. It’s easy enough to simply say the chemistry isn’t right and the scene isn’t working out for you. Thank him for his time and let him know you appreciate his interest and generosity inviting you over or for coming over if you’re hosting. While he may be disappointed, he’ll respect that you have your own boundaries, your honesty, and your integrity.

    Don’t take your valuables—most likely you have no idea who you’re hooking up with so leave the valuables and goods at home. Take only what you need such as your driver’s license, an ATM card or a small amount of cash for emergencies. Leave the ATM card or cash in the car and take your ID with you. Better yet, carry a photocopy of your ID and black-out your date of birth and license number so your identity is more secure. No matter what though, always carry ID!!

    Don't forget to tell him you're up for another session—if you liked how it went!